Botan

I'm sorry I've been so busy lately! I have been taking double shifts at work and well.. no excuse really for my absence. Don't worry though, I'm hanging in there! I hope everyone else is doing well!

Thinking of maybe spending the night at work one night, just renting an apartment in Sunshine 60 for a few days so that I don't have to worry about running all the way home on that commute and then back. I might be able to pick up enough time then to make my time more manageable. I'll see what I can do.

I know I haven't used this in so long. I've been immersing myself in work. And when I get home I cook and clean and go to sleep. Then I get up and start all over. Though looking at it, maybe I should use the computer more. It would be a nice escape. I can talk to people on here and never have to see them in person. That seems kind of nice.

I haven't talked to much of anyone lately. I wanted to talk to KoEnma and Hinageshi because they were both hurting. But I never did. I saw KoEnma in the evenings but we rarely spoke of anything aside from idle chit-chat. And Hinageshi isn't here anymore. I feel badly that I've neglected them. I do. I haven't spoken to Shizuru for almost as long. And she's trying. But I hurt her too... I want to talk to them. But i can't drag myself out to do it because I can hear what they're saying but we might as well be talking about the weather. I feel impersonal. I don't think I'll ever be close to anyone again. I get that feeling.

I think Shizuru is the only one who really noticed. And she was trying for a while to steer clear because I hurt her. And I don't mind that she does. She knows what I was feeling and it's a little to close to home. You know? The others go on with their daily lives. And it's nice to see them happy. I feel like I'm watching them through a television screen. And yet again it's that impersonal feeling.

I haven't seen Itsuki in a while either. I think he was suspicious. Kurama might have understood. I extended an invitation to talk to him too but... he never took up on it and as the days stretched into weeks and months I wonder if I really wanted him to. Kurama may have understood but he's different from me. He's stronger than I am in so many ways. And I don't think I can take it.

I should write an entry to keep them all at ease. But I don't really feel like it.

I invited Hinageshi back, I want her back in the apartment, selfish I know. But then again, I want to be alone. She's my responsibility, I've always felt like that. I love her dearly and I want her happy and I want her healthy and I like being able to keep an eye on her. I have the same feelings about KoEnma-sama. But sometimes I just want to scream and tear my hair out and I can't do that when they're there. It would be nice... maybe I can rent a room at work one night and just... use it for me. They wouldn't worry, surely I can make an excuse up.

My sleep is fitful. I need more of it because I wake up so often, my heart is always beating so quickly. I always have to turn on the fan. It would be nice... to get away for a while.

KoEnma's dinner is done cooking. I'll write something after I give it to him.

I know it has been ages since I posted last, but not much has been going on. I don't see much of people lately I've been doing a lot of overtime at work. It's been nice to throw myself into work but then again, now it seems a lot like it was before I left Reikai. At least I get better pay now. And I've saved up a lot of vacation time which is also nice. Mr. Takamura has even hinted at a possible promotion in the future so I think I'll just hang in there.

Everyone else appears to be doing ok, though I need to have a chat with Hinageshi and also with KoEnma-sama.

Welcome back Shishiwakamaru-san.

Let me know if you need anything Kurama-kun. I'm not around much but making a meal and dropping it by wouldn't be too difficult.

I've sort of been awfully busy. I have work during most days and I had been dropping by the dojo occasionally, I finally got to talk to Kurama a while ago. He is doing so much better...

I'll be home early on Friday, my boss gave me the later half of the day off because he's christian and it's some sort of holiday. So I'll make a nice dinner for everyone. Let me know if you're not going to make it, so I know how much to get. Thanks.

Kurama woke a while ago. He wants to be alone for now. But he’s awake and mostly ok. So don’t worry everyone.

Kurama just woke up a bit ago. I was the only one in the room at the time. Poor Kurama he was so scared. He called his plants… my leg will heal eventually. I think he thought we were attacking him. And he was so confused. I wish I could talk to him. But he doesn’t want to. And I can respect that. I understand it really. I’ll just wait out here in the hall for him. Maybe sometime he’ll want to talk. I think I’ll nap.

So much happens around here I can't keep up. I'm sorry KoEnma, for causing you so much trouble. I'll see to the wounds when I get home tomorrow.

I'm at Genkai-shihan's place now. There are a lot of people but I'm sitting in a corner of Kurama's room, watching them all bustle about.

I hope I'm not in the way.

So much happens around here I can't keep up. I'm sorry KoEnma, for causing you so much trouble. I'll see to the wounds when I get home tomorrow.

I'm at Genkai-shihan's place now. There are a lot of people but I'm sitting in a corner of Kurama's room, watching them all bustle about.

I look at him. And I see me. But he had to deal with it for so long. I want to lay down next to him and take away his pain. Or at least share it. Because he doesn't deserve that. Not like I do.

If he was awake... it would be nice. I don't think we'd even have to talk. We'd understand. I'd like to think that anyway. But he's a demon so maybe not. I'm not interested in him at all. I just feel like we could relate and that would ease my soul a little. Is that wrong? Maybe. Maybe I just want someone who doesn't look at me like that all the time. Doesn't ask me what happened. I could be around someone like that for longer than an hour without feeling like the walls were starting to close in on me. I guess this is what he needs. I must have looked like this sometimes. I hope it didn't tear into their hearts like his look tears into mine. My friend... you're hurt so terribly.

I touch my scalp and see yours ... we aren't so different, my friend.

They took Shizuru out... she doesn’t seem ok. I don’t know how long it’s been since she passed out. I hope she isn’t hurt. Another of my friends. My patient... wonderful Shizuru... you held me and didn’t ask questions... please be ok...

I had better put this away, I've seen Hinageshi glancing at me. She'll wonder why there is no post. Or maybe not. Sometimes she's a bit forgetful. Thank Enma for small favors. I adore Hinageshi and all of my friends. But a little forgetfulness saves me so much lying.

It's quiet in the house when I don't go to work. Everyone's gone even Koenma most days. But it means less questions. They're always asking questions. All of them. And I don't want to answer. I'll keep smiling for them. It's what I need to do, or they'll worry, and I don't want to be a burden to any of them. Now Karasu has Kurama. Kurama understands. He understands so well. I don't know if Yuusuke does. He might. But I can't talk to either of them. Yuuusuke is... well Yuusuke. And Kurama is gone. I don't want to talk to anyone else though. They can't help so why bother?

She gave me ice cream. It was good... but I guess I spilled when she upset me. I didn't mean to panick. She's so worried. But I just wanted her to leave. I like her... and being around her and it was nice when she held me up and didn't hurt me but.... still. And then it looked so much like... no no... it didn't look like anything. There's nothing wrong with me and nothing happened. None of it. I was just unconcious and having nightmares. The scars... they're going away. I can believe it. I can't put my hair up yet. They'll notice and ask. And I can't tell them because nothing happened.

I want to be alone. In my room. And not come out. For days. Then maybe my body will be ok. And I won't be debating in my head. And I can laugh like Shizuru can. I miss that.

Shizuru came over. Showed me a move and we ate ice cream. I'm sorry I worried you Shizuru-san. I'll be fine.

I'll have to clean the house soon.

I would have updated sooner.

KoEnma's staying with us now. I took him on the subway, but I don't think he liked it much.

Met Itsuki and cooked him dinner.

Karasu gave me the laptop and told me to post.

I think I'll sleep on the floor tonight.

Goodnight.

I am ALL DONE! I'm covered in chocolate and powdered sugar but I've made chocolates for everyone! All by hand. I even tested them to be sure they were good! Ok... I tested more than I should have but still! Anyway, I have to get back to work wrapping the ones that are already cool and stuff. I want them ready for when we get together tommorow. I'll give Hinageshi-chan her's before we leave, then she'll have less to carry and so will I. >^.^<

I do have the big one I made. It's actually supposed to be the real-looking one, I wanted to see if I could make it turn out nice. And it really did turn out very pretty. I suppose I'll give it to Itsuki though I don't think he's the type who likes chocolate or wants that kind of thing from me. But who knows, maybe it'll cheer him up, right?

I have NO IDEA what's going on, XD I have been baking all afternoon and there've been tons of posts but I don't have time to catch up on all of them. But I remember Keiko asked me to do something and Juri-chan asked me to do something. I'd love to do things with you guys! We'll talk more tommorow. I think maybe I had too much sugar... my heart is racing! XD Ahh off to wrap chocolate in pretty red, pink and white clear shiney-type material!

Happy Valentine's Day tommorow everyone!

Let's see... lots has been happening lately. My job has been going great, though it's a little hard to answer everyone's questions all at once sometimes, but everyone seems to like me most of the time! I love getting to talk to so many people all the time. And my manager is great too.

Hinageshi and Juri have been over at Genkai-shihan's place lately and I think that's probably good, Hinageshi can take care of the poltergeist I'm sure. But if it get's out of hand, call me up Hina-chan! I'll be there right away to help. I need to meet with Juri and with Koto soon too. Let me know when you girls are free.

It's mostly just been me and Sayaka at home and I think Sayaka's finally found some friends because she's been staying out later. I'm really happy for her ^_^

I invited Itsuki-san over too. I was so surprised he came right over! It was nice, talking to him. Though he really does know how to put me on the spot. But it's kind of refreshing. Really... I mean... wow. Yeah. I was a little... but it's ok, he says he'll be my friend! I think that's great.

Ah, have to go clean up the dinner mess!

I'm only really sad that Juri-chan didn't make it. But that's ok, we'll just go alone sometime, ne Juri-chan?

So anyway, the girls met around three at the Sunshine 60 it was ok that some of us were late because it's a great place to people watch. We finally got inside around four and went up to the 32nd floor where the spa is. Mr. Takamura had set it all up so we got the works that day. We started out with a mudbath, and we were a little rambunctious at first but once we'd settled down we just got to relax in the warm mud XD it was so gooey and funny! And then we got out and rinsed off and went next door to the herbal bath, mmm it smelled so good! And then half of us got a massage while the other half had facials and then we switched. We even got manicures and pedicures and deep conditioning hair rinses. They made us all up and I don't think I've ever seen Shizuru-san in makeup. It looked very nice ^_~

I haven't felt so pamepered in ages! We went out to dinner that Mr. Takamura also paid for! It was in Sunshine 60 also right up at the top of the building!!(I can't believe him, I want to do a great job for him! He's been so nice!) Then went back to my place, and stayed up late watching movies, eating popcorn, chatting and just basically having fun.

Ahh I love girls nights!! Thank you all for coming! I had so much fun!!

Ok so I started my job earlier this week and I've had to leave Shizuru during the day, I hope she's still doing ok. But I like staying with her at night. I don't want her to feel alone right now. I hear you want to go back home, Shizuru? Well I guess that wouldn't be bad, I mean Kuwa-chan's there and he'll stop any bad guys who come around. He's really great about that. But you know if you want to talk more or do something just let me know. And don't forget about the girl's night tommorow!

Which reminds me, ladies, we'll meet at the Sunshine 60 at 3:00? Does that sound good? I can even give you a tour if you want! I have it almost completely down pat now!!

I hope that will help some of us relax after all this stuff. And I hope Juri-chan can come. I need to stop by Genkai-shihans after work today and check on both Hinageshi and Juri. The boys are saying the Juri has a poltergeist hanging around her and that's not good. KoEnma-sama, if you're reading this, let me know if you've heard anything about a loose one in this area. I suppose if it's there I'll see it. If Hinageshi-chan hasn't already.

I have to get back to work, this was my break, but I'll see the Temple folks this evening and the rest of the girls tommorow!

Shishiwakamaru-sama? Try not to kill anyone else unnecessarily because it really just makes a heckuva lot of extra work for the poor shingami that have to collect their souls. And they're shortstaffed with Hinageshi-chan and myself down here right now. Thanks bunches!

Kuwa-chan, Juri-chan, don't worry, Shizuru is over here. She stopped by and realized she'd left her keys at work. She's asleep right now.

I had to leave for a while early this morning, but I've taken care of everything I planned to take care of. Ahh it was nice to get out the old bat again, it's been ages since I've used it. ^_^ And I picked up Shizuru's jacket and keys too.

Ahh off to clean up and go back to bed.

Oh my gosh! The best thing happened today at work! You wouldn't believe it! I went into work today and I really was dreading, I don't really like working with pizza all that much it's so greasy and my boss looks a lot like that too -_- I wonder if he ever washes. I mean, I'm actually pretty glad he never touches the pizza because I wouldn't want to sell that to anyone, I have MORALS! It would be terrible for a customer to get indigestion or worse. At least the rest of my coworkers all seem to bathe. Except for one girl who has greasy hair but at least she keeps it back and always washes her hands. Ooops! Of topic! So anyway, I came into work and it was super busy because something was going on with the school down the street and a ton of the kids were there and I was running around like crazy, talking and taking orders and all that stuff. But there was this guy in a business suit in the corner and he looked kind of lonely. So during my break I went and sat with him and we chatted and he was really nice! He was smiling and laughing by the time my break was up. He stopped me before I went back to work and gave me his business card. He said that I was perfect for the job he needed to fill. It turns out the guy is on the management committee for Sunshine 60 and they were looking for some replacement guides. He said give him a call and I'd get better wages and even benefits! And then he said cause I was so nice to him to spend my break with him that even if I didn't come by for the job he wanted to thank me. I tried to stop him but he insisted that I invite some of my girlfriends and come visit the day-spa there sometime on him!

So all you girls! Including Juri-chan and Koto-chan! Next friday Shizuru wanted to do another girl's night and I figure we can start out there since he insisted and stuff! Let me know if you still want to come! And I'm going to get a new job!! I turned in my resignation and I have my interview at Sunshine 60 tomorrow! YAY!

I was just really happy to have Hinageshi-chan back with us. I mean, I was terrified that we'd never see her again. And Kurama-kun has been doing such a fabulous job of helping her out and Yukina-chan fixed her right up. Thank you two so much! I am trying to be with Hinageshi-chan as much as possible. I don't want her to have to strain herself, so I've been staying with Genkai-shihan and Yukina-chan and helping in the kitchen and visiting Hinageshi-chan. I may take a break today and go pick up a little present for her.

Kurama-kun, please don't be to hard on Shizuru. She was just so worried about Hinageshi and I was hoping she could help too.

She's ok!! the boys found her and brougt her back!! She's hurt but kurama says she'll be ok soon.

i'm so releived!!