Botan

I'm sorry I've been so busy lately! I have been taking double shifts at work and well.. no excuse really for my absence. Don't worry though, I'm hanging in there! I hope everyone else is doing well!

Thinking of maybe spending the night at work one night, just renting an apartment in Sunshine 60 for a few days so that I don't have to worry about running all the way home on that commute and then back. I might be able to pick up enough time then to make my time more manageable. I'll see what I can do.

I know I haven't used this in so long. I've been immersing myself in work. And when I get home I cook and clean and go to sleep. Then I get up and start all over. Though looking at it, maybe I should use the computer more. It would be a nice escape. I can talk to people on here and never have to see them in person. That seems kind of nice.

I haven't talked to much of anyone lately. I wanted to talk to KoEnma and Hinageshi because they were both hurting. But I never did. I saw KoEnma in the evenings but we rarely spoke of anything aside from idle chit-chat. And Hinageshi isn't here anymore. I feel badly that I've neglected them. I do. I haven't spoken to Shizuru for almost as long. And she's trying. But I hurt her too... I want to talk to them. But i can't drag myself out to do it because I can hear what they're saying but we might as well be talking about the weather. I feel impersonal. I don't think I'll ever be close to anyone again. I get that feeling.

I think Shizuru is the only one who really noticed. And she was trying for a while to steer clear because I hurt her. And I don't mind that she does. She knows what I was feeling and it's a little to close to home. You know? The others go on with their daily lives. And it's nice to see them happy. I feel like I'm watching them through a television screen. And yet again it's that impersonal feeling.

I haven't seen Itsuki in a while either. I think he was suspicious. Kurama might have understood. I extended an invitation to talk to him too but... he never took up on it and as the days stretched into weeks and months I wonder if I really wanted him to. Kurama may have understood but he's different from me. He's stronger than I am in so many ways. And I don't think I can take it.

I should write an entry to keep them all at ease. But I don't really feel like it.

I invited Hinageshi back, I want her back in the apartment, selfish I know. But then again, I want to be alone. She's my responsibility, I've always felt like that. I love her dearly and I want her happy and I want her healthy and I like being able to keep an eye on her. I have the same feelings about KoEnma-sama. But sometimes I just want to scream and tear my hair out and I can't do that when they're there. It would be nice... maybe I can rent a room at work one night and just... use it for me. They wouldn't worry, surely I can make an excuse up.

My sleep is fitful. I need more of it because I wake up so often, my heart is always beating so quickly. I always have to turn on the fan. It would be nice... to get away for a while.

KoEnma's dinner is done cooking. I'll write something after I give it to him.

I know it has been ages since I posted last, but not much has been going on. I don't see much of people lately I've been doing a lot of overtime at work. It's been nice to throw myself into work but then again, now it seems a lot like it was before I left Reikai. At least I get better pay now. And I've saved up a lot of vacation time which is also nice. Mr. Takamura has even hinted at a possible promotion in the future so I think I'll just hang in there.

Everyone else appears to be doing ok, though I need to have a chat with Hinageshi and also with KoEnma-sama.

Welcome back Shishiwakamaru-san.

Let me know if you need anything Kurama-kun. I'm not around much but making a meal and dropping it by wouldn't be too difficult.

I've sort of been awfully busy. I have work during most days and I had been dropping by the dojo occasionally, I finally got to talk to Kurama a while ago. He is doing so much better...

I'll be home early on Friday, my boss gave me the later half of the day off because he's christian and it's some sort of holiday. So I'll make a nice dinner for everyone. Let me know if you're not going to make it, so I know how much to get. Thanks.

Kurama woke a while ago. He wants to be alone for now. But he’s awake and mostly ok. So don’t worry everyone.

Kurama just woke up a bit ago. I was the only one in the room at the time. Poor Kurama he was so scared. He called his plants… my leg will heal eventually. I think he thought we were attacking him. And he was so confused. I wish I could talk to him. But he doesn’t want to. And I can respect that. I understand it really. I’ll just wait out here in the hall for him. Maybe sometime he’ll want to talk. I think I’ll nap.

So much happens around here I can't keep up. I'm sorry KoEnma, for causing you so much trouble. I'll see to the wounds when I get home tomorrow.

I'm at Genkai-shihan's place now. There are a lot of people but I'm sitting in a corner of Kurama's room, watching them all bustle about.

I hope I'm not in the way.

So much happens around here I can't keep up. I'm sorry KoEnma, for causing you so much trouble. I'll see to the wounds when I get home tomorrow.

I'm at Genkai-shihan's place now. There are a lot of people but I'm sitting in a corner of Kurama's room, watching them all bustle about.

I look at him. And I see me. But he had to deal with it for so long. I want to lay down next to him and take away his pain. Or at least share it. Because he doesn't deserve that. Not like I do.

If he was awake... it would be nice. I don't think we'd even have to talk. We'd understand. I'd like to think that anyway. But he's a demon so maybe not. I'm not interested in him at all. I just feel like we could relate and that would ease my soul a little. Is that wrong? Maybe. Maybe I just want someone who doesn't look at me like that all the time. Doesn't ask me what happened. I could be around someone like that for longer than an hour without feeling like the walls were starting to close in on me. I guess this is what he needs. I must have looked like this sometimes. I hope it didn't tear into their hearts like his look tears into mine. My friend... you're hurt so terribly.

I touch my scalp and see yours ... we aren't so different, my friend.

They took Shizuru out... she doesn’t seem ok. I don’t know how long it’s been since she passed out. I hope she isn’t hurt. Another of my friends. My patient... wonderful Shizuru... you held me and didn’t ask questions... please be ok...

I had better put this away, I've seen Hinageshi glancing at me. She'll wonder why there is no post. Or maybe not. Sometimes she's a bit forgetful. Thank Enma for small favors. I adore Hinageshi and all of my friends. But a little forgetfulness saves me so much lying.

It's quiet in the house when I don't go to work. Everyone's gone even Koenma most days. But it means less questions. They're always asking questions. All of them. And I don't want to answer. I'll keep smiling for them. It's what I need to do, or they'll worry, and I don't want to be a burden to any of them. Now Karasu has Kurama. Kurama understands. He understands so well. I don't know if Yuusuke does. He might. But I can't talk to either of them. Yuuusuke is... well Yuusuke. And Kurama is gone. I don't want to talk to anyone else though. They can't help so why bother?

She gave me ice cream. It was good... but I guess I spilled when she upset me. I didn't mean to panick. She's so worried. But I just wanted her to leave. I like her... and being around her and it was nice when she held me up and didn't hurt me but.... still. And then it looked so much like... no no... it didn't look like anything. There's nothing wrong with me and nothing happened. None of it. I was just unconcious and having nightmares. The scars... they're going away. I can believe it. I can't put my hair up yet. They'll notice and ask. And I can't tell them because nothing happened.

I want to be alone. In my room. And not come out. For days. Then maybe my body will be ok. And I won't be debating in my head. And I can laugh like Shizuru can. I miss that.

Shizuru came over. Showed me a move and we ate ice cream. I'm sorry I worried you Shizuru-san. I'll be fine.

I'll have to clean the house soon.